i'm in highschool.
until a few days ago, i had been dating one boy for about a year.
our relationship was pretty good.
he was good to me. he told me he loved me.
we trusted and cared about eachother.
he was kind of posessive, though.
this bothered me.
i spent less & less time with friends, and more time with him. we were like an organism. it was made sort of okay by the fact that most of our friends were couples as well.
sometimes things weren't so gerat.
i'd get annoyed by his possesive-oucity or he'd feel like i wasn't giving him enough attention and we'd get in little fights. they always ended happily, but nothing was ever resolved.
i kept a notebook that served as a journalagendasketchbook that i'd write in quite frequently.
one day it went missing.
i was worried, worried, worried.
things had been less good than bad recently & i didn't want [boyfriend] to read it. i didn't want anyone to read it.
of course, it ended up with [boyfriend]. an argument about privacy and trust resulted.
after a day of intense unpleasantness, it was decided that
1. he would be less posessive, more understanding
2. i wouldn't do anything silly behind his back
3. we should be able to trust eachother
it all seemed quite authentic.
of course, it was nearly the same set of agreements that had finished previous fights.
things looked like they'd be more or less okay.
[boy] is a friend of mine. i've known him for over a year. when we met, he had a girlfriend.
i had a crush on him. he ives in a different city where he goes to university. right now he is not dating anyone. he knew things weren't going well with [boyfriend] and i.
so, we spend a day together. make cookies. talk a lot. we hadn't seen eachother for a few months and there were lots of things going on. it's getting late & the last batch of cookies are in the oven. we kiss.
it turns out, he'd considered leaving his girlfriend for me over the summer.
it turns out, he'd liked me all along.
two days later & i'm at his house. my mother calls to say that the weather is horrible and that she'd feel safer if i'd sleep over there. it isn't safe to be driving. one person has died in an accident. it was like a sign.
[boy] leaves to mexico with his family the next day.
i avoid calling [boyfriend]. i feel guilty. kind of.
at the same time, i'm aware that being with [boy] makes me feel much better than being with [boyfriend].
i talk to my friend. she says that i probably shouldn't be dating [boyfriend] andyway. she says that we should break up.
this seems like a decent idea.
i'm scared, though. i hate breaking up.
boxing day & [boyfriend] calls me. i eventually tell him that we should stop dating eachother.
tears, on both sides of the phoneline.
he does not understand.
no mention of [boy].
on msn, later in the day he asks me WHY?
he is not taking this well. nor am i, really.
i tell him that i kissed [boy].
he goes beserk. it never occured to him. things seemed like they were going so well. we had just fixed everything. how could i do this to him? he loved me so much. i am a whore. i am a monster. etc.
i feel very horrible.
the next day i can't find him. he is not online. he is not at home.
i miss him.
nighttime, he appears online. he had been with his friend all day.
he is going to go to a different city for a while
to begin to get over me.
he hates me for what i've done and won't accept appologies.
he loved me so much.
i have not seen him since.
now, you see
i don't know what i want.
i go through phases where i think
"oh, i'm better off without [boyfriend]."
but shortly after, i feel lonely and depressed again.
i have not heard a word from [boyfriend], and [boy] has not replied to my e-mail. that being said, he is in mexico and may not have read it.
what do you think i should do ?